bells and roses
by Darla Kane
Summary: a song fic; Buffy's feelings after sending Angel to hell


title: "bells and roses"  
  
author: Darla Kane  
  
e-mail: DarlaB@gmx.de  
  
website: http://www.angelicquotes.de.vu  
  
distribution: Angelic Quotes, AI - anyone else just ask! :)  
  
rating: PG  
  
disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters - they all belong to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy, WB, 20th Century Fox etc. The poem/song "bells and roses" belongs to Rosanne Cash and is part of her story "bells, ink, sand and roses" published in her book "Songs without rhyme: prose by celebrated songwriters"  
  
spoilers: "Becoming 2"  
  
summary: Buffy's feelings after sending Angel to hell  
  
feedback: Do I really have to answer this? YES!!!! NEEDED!!! Feedback keeps me alive... :)  
  
A/N: Originally I planned on studying for college today when I leafed through my reader for English philology and happened to find this beautiful poem called "bells and roses". The words just wouldn't leave my mind and I decided to write this... So a big THANK YOU to my prof who chose this text for class! :)  
  
  
  
everything was mine / but it's long slipped away / I stand here naked as the stars / and silent as the grave / if you see who I really am / will you still want to stay? / there's a danger in this love / and I want to be that brave  
  
I still remember our first kiss... It seems like a lifetime ago - not only 1 1/2 years. So much has happened since then - and also before. I think I fell in love with him right there in that alley when I first talked to him. Would things have been different if I hadn't been there that evening? Wouldn't I be standing here - lost and helpless? Funny thing to think of the Slayer as helpless... But my mind is just full of despair and tears are running down my cheeks... I loved him so much - I tried not to but I couldn't help it... It seems so long ago since I've held him in my arms though only a few minutes have passed. I never thought this love could ever end... No, it didn't end. I saw it in his eyes - he still loves me... He never stopped. He just wasn't my Angel anymore since that fateful night on my 17th birthday. Our love set that cruel demon free again and took him away from me. How can a perfect love lead to such horrible things? How can fate be so merciless? The tears won't stop... I don't have the strength to stop them. It's not right - *it's* *just* *not* *right*. I knew his demon has commited some horrible crimes in the past... and my love still wore the face of that demon. But it didn't matter. I saw the real him - a caring man, not the vampire. And though he never thought he'd deserve my love, I stayed with him - because I *loved* him... God, if we had only known how dangerous it could become. But would it have made any difference? At least not for me... I would have taken any risk just to feel his hand gently stroking my cheek... Oh Angel, why can't you just be here to wipe my tears away?  
  
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bells and roses / a sign of departure, but I love them just the same / bells and roses / a sign of survival on the door into this pain  
  
I still feel his lips on mine... His eyes full of concern about me... that last kiss... It was as if a sweet melody played in my ear - a melody that I had missed so much. But when I looked at Acathla the sound turned to bittersweet. I did what I had to do - and now I fully realize how much pain lies in front of me. The melody stays in my head - and I love it just the same. But will it help me to survive all this?  
  
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I'll go in if you say I must / but I'd rather let it go / there are people I will never trust / things that I can't know  
  
Have I really done the right thing? My heart screams 'no'. Was there really no other choice? Did I really have to kill the one man I've ever loved? My reason says I had to but my feelings wish there had been another way. I wish Willow hadn't succeeded... The restoration spell hadn't worked before so why now? It would have been easier to kill Angelus... Or am I fooling myself? I don't know but at least I had been prepared to send my worst enemy to hell... not the soul I've always loved more than anything in this world. Did they realize that the spell had worked? Why didn't they tell me that they'd try again? Maybe I would have been able to stall... Oh God, I can't stop crying... I can never tell them who I've really killed - *never*... What have I done?  
  
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I'll kiss you 'til we turn to stone / I'll fight you 'til we're blind / but you love me when you're left alone / and it makes me want to die  
  
How could I do that to him? He trusted me completely... He had no idea what his demon had done to me. He just clinged to me and told me that he felt as if he hadn't seen me in months... and he hadn't. It was Angelus who tormented me and my friends, who I had fought... But now it was Angel, *my Angel*, who was kissing me... I wish this kiss would never have ended... I wonder if he still remembers me wherever he is right now... No, I don't have to wonder - I *know* he does. Somewhere deep inside his heart he won't forget, deep inside he'll always love me. I hope it'll help him to get through. It makes me cry even harder to think that he's there all alone, lost - that it's my fault... and that he still won't stop loving me. That thought alone makes me want to die. How could I do that to him? *How?*  
  
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bells and roses / wake up the senses to remind me who I am / bells and roses / the gifts of the spirit shall not be squandered on one man  
  
How? I'm the Slayer... That's how I could do it to him - why I *had* to do it. It's who I am. I'm not supposed to be in love with a vampire... Do I have any right to love at all? Don't I just have to fulfill my duty? I hate my destiny, I hate to be the Chosen One... I'm not strong enough to carry this "gift" alone... If one can call it that anyway. It's no gift - it's a curse! Just like Angel's... and it's the reason he had to die...  
  
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everything was mine / but it's long slipped away / will you love me if I'm naked / or I'm silent as the grave?  
  
When he was still with me I could do it, I could handle all this pain - *because* he was there... He was the one light in my dark life when every day was just another struggle to survive - or to save the world once again. I learned to accept it as my destiny... and it felt right to help. But the night Angel was taken from me... All my strength started to slip away. Facing Angelus and his cruel words every time only made it worse... His face reminded me too much of the man I had loved, the man I still loved. Would he also still have loved me - even if he had seen me slowly falling apart? Helpless and more dead than alive without him?  
  
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you don't have to answer now / but you might learn to pray / and I'll step down of this cross / into a life that I can change  
  
I wonder if he forgives me... That look of being betrayed on his face the moment I sent him to hell will never leave my mind. I want to ask him 'cause I can't forgive myself. I just pray he can. That's all that's left. Maybe he'll hear my prayers somewhere in his soul. I wish he does. 'Cause I don't know how I shall go on. I can't just go back to my ordinary life as if nothing happened. I can't go on being the Slayer and kill another vampire every night - just like I have killed the one vampire I love. I know I just have to leave... I can't face all this any longer. Can one stop being the Slayer? I don't know - but I have to try. I have to try to take another path right now... away from all this. Nothing I do here makes anything better. There'll always be some force trying to destroy mankind. If I'm here or not... it doesn't make any difference. They'll always come... I need to go back into a life I can handle - a normal life where I can at least pretend I can change small things... I *have* to leave this place...  
  
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bells and roses / fill up the silence / and the place where he once lay / bells and roses / a sign of survival / and the price I had to pay  
  
I'm still at his mansion and stare at the spot where my Angel has disappeared. The melody that played in my head won't leave... It fills up the emptiness, the silence around me and becomes louder and louder... I can't bear it anymore... it's too much. Am I the only one hearing it? Or is he too? Maybe it's a sign we'll both survive this... somehow... or it will always blame me for his death. Sacrificing him to save the world was the price I had to pay... But is a world without him worth saving at all?  
  
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bells and roses / bells and roses / bells and roses 


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